Ramblings…

Yesterday I achieved one of the only true goals I’ve had in years.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  I am saddened when I think about the lack of goals in my life.  It’s not that I can’t make goals but that there are so few that I feel passionate about to actually make happen.  Where did my passion go?  Where did that drive go?  Was it all based on proving to others what I could do?  Have I been let down or hurt too many times to pick myself back up again?  These are questions I struggle with everyday unless I consciously blank my mind and walk around zombie-like.  I used to be so productive, mostly without even trying.  What happened to me?  Yes, health issues and major life stressors had their effects.  But why can’t I bounce back to the way I used to be?

Achieving my goal was amazing for a few hours.  But now it’s time to look ahead once again, and that scares me.  Can I find the motivation to plan for the future once again?  It’s scary.  It’s like journeying across the continent and then standing to face the blankness of the ocean.  What’s next?  There must be something out there for me, hiding in the distance.  Time to build a boat, I guess.  Taking that leap of faith, assuming that I will once again find land, is almost too much for my mind to process.

Days are easier to handle when I don’t look at the big picture.  What is the next step, is all I bother to ask myself.  At least this way I can have good days – days where I physically feel good, where I achieve several of those next steps, where friends inspire me and family shows they care.  Big picture viewing, on the other hand, never inspires me anymore like it used to.  I have too many questions, and instead of inspired I feel weighted down by the upcoming struggles.  I’ve always been the big picture person.  Can I become the happy-go-lucky, live for the moment person instead?

Letting go.  Involves allowing yourself to change as well as those around you.  I guess that’s the lesson I take from this.  So, how do those who live in the moment achieve anything?  Do they set goals at all?  I’ve found my next research project.